Entries from December 2006 ↓

The Ten Laws of Golf
=====================

1. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share
his ideas about the golf swing.

2. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule
is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

3. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course
is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a
very large tree.

4. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces
just the way you meant to play it.

5. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make
two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the
universe.

6. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not
yours.

7. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the sand trap,
your ball is in the sand trap.

8. If both balls are in the sand trap, yours is in the
footprint.

9. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your
mind during your swing.

10. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot
is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58.
68, and 78 ????

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story??? ? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
An’ all ober de hood
ereybody wuz sleepin’
Dey wuz sleepin’ good.

All o’ de fambily
Wuz layin’ in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Dance tru dey heads.

I passed out in de flo
Right next to my maw
When I heard sech a fuss, I thunk
“It must be de law!”

I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
Spectin’ de sheriff
Wif a warrant fo sho!

And what did I see?
I said, “Lawd, look atdat!”
Ther’ wuz a huge watta-melon
Pulled by giant warf rats!

Now ober all de years
Sanna Claus, he be white
But, looks like us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis night.

Faster dan a po’lees car;
My home boy, he came.
He whupped on dem warf rats
And called dem by name!

On Leroy, on ‘lonzo,
And on Willie Lee,
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!

As he landed dat watta-melon
Out der in de skreet
I knowed fo sho
Da damndest site I ebber did see!

He didn’t go down no chimbley;
He picked da lock on my doe!
And I sez to myself,
“Shit, he done dis befoe!”

He had dis big bag
Full of prezents i spect
Wid Jordans and fake gold
To wear roun my neck.

But he left no good prezents;
just started stealin’ my shit.
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar’s kit!

Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da window he flewed
I woulda tried to catch him
But he stole my knife too!

He jumped on dat watta-melon
An’whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a secon’,
dat sonuvabitch!

Next year I be hopin’
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz diz here Sanna Claus
Just ain’t werf a shit!