Entries from May 2007 ↓

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her
Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.I looked away
For a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup. As a man,
I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much;
I dropped My electric shaver, Which knocked The donut
Out of my other hand. In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel,
it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee
between my legs, splashed,and burned Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers!!

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur
Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told
Arthur, “since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you
want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,”I want to hang out
with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced
him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were
the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!”

Arthur said, “ya, that’s me…”

God commented, “well, what a big deal in inventing something that’s
pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road!”
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me but
aren’t you the inventor of woman???”

God said, “Ah, yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention.

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It
chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too
soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the
exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!

“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God
said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding
my invention than yours. !!!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?”

The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”

“Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”

“I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh yeah?” the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it
because of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t
you?”

“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought
to buy me I’d be a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford
that.”

“Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!”

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
“Psssssssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I
should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.”

“What are you talking about?” asks the guy.

“When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie.”

“WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?”

“Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.

“NO!” he exclaims. “And she let him?”

“Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over….”

Then the frantic guy demands, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”

“Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”

If this doesn’t make you laugh, you’re having a really bad day