Results of My Last Year Sitting At The Computer

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the
same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my
every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to
watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl into my back seat
when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on
their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in
the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial
a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
instant death when it bites me.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from
certain gas companies!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s

Have a wonderful day….

Oh, by the way…..A South American scientist from Argentina,
after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on
the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now; it’s too late.

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