Todays Joke: Workplace Sensitivity

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a fucking bitch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7
TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING:
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck ?

Number 9
TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues…
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

Number 16
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Todays Joke: The Pharmacist

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

Todays Joke: Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The Teacher fainted.