A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency!’
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said……
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp; turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun causing a mess everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
The waiter says “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”