Todays No Joke – Our Dog

IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:

PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE REALLY TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR DOG!

YES, HE MAULED SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS,

FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI T-SHIRTS,

TWO OTHER DEMOCRATS,

NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THE TOP OF THEIR ASS CRACK ,

THREE FLAG BURNERS,

AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.

FOR THE LAST TIME… THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

smoking dog

NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT – HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE “BAD TASTE” OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!

Todays No Joke – While Hilarious – Sad When You Think About It

distraught These are real notes written by parents. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan . 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip..
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school.. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had the sh*ts.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. rving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover…
22. Please excuse Brenda . She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
24. Toney could not make it in because me alarm clark didn’t go off because I was tired after partying all night.
25. Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time.
26. Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.
27. Please excuse my son from being absent yesterday, because there is a river in our house.
28. Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting.
29. Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour throat.
30. Please exscuse John from being absent. He was lost.
31. Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM.
32. It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home.
33. Please excuse Wayne for being out yesterday. He had the fuel.
34. Tommy wasn’t in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday.
35. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
36. Scott didn’t practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet.
37. Mike was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
38. Jerry was at his grandmother’s yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn’t remember where the school was.
39. Please excuse my daughter’s absence. She had her periodicals.
40. Please excuse my son. He will be out next week slaughtering goats for his manhood ritual. Thank you!
41. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
42. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
43. The basement of our house got flooded where the children sleep so they had to be vaporized.
44. Please forgive Clarence for being absent from school the past few days. He was home sick from an operation. He had penis trouble and had to be serpent-sized.
45. Please excuse little Jimmy from missing school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the Doctor.
46. Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling.
47. Please excuse Loren for being absent. She was in bed with minustruation cramps.
48. Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment.
49. Please excuse Tommy for being absent. He was out with the swan flue.
50. Please let Jean leave the room if she asks. She has been sick with dire rear.

No Joke: The Bridge

bridge to hawaiiThis is the story about the man that stumbled across the lamp and rubbed it.

Out popped a Genie and said I am old and will only grant you one wish… the man thought for a moment and said…I would like a bridge built from New York to Hawaii, because i am afraid of flying and want to see Hawaii but will not fly in an airplane..

The genie responded that that would be very difficult and almost impossible, could he choose another wish that was not almost impossible…

The man thought for a moment and said, i wish to understand women..

The genie thought for a moment ..and responded..how many lanes do you want for that bridge…..