| Bran Muffins
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| A couple were both 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to live a good life because they watched their pennies.
Though not young as they would like, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise during the last several decades.
One day, their good health could not save them, when they went on a rare vacation and they were both killed in a terrible auto accident, sending them off to Heaven.
As they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
The old man looked out the window and there he saw a beautiful championship golf course, better then anything he had seen on Earth.
“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied, “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man, “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,” he asked. “That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied, “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
The old man then ask, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..” “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your fuckin’ bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!” |
KINDA BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN’T IT?
A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life……. that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I had landed after the cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bot tom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron that I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.
“Would you like a drink?
“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. What’s next?
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, as she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There’s something I’m certain you feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for, right?”
She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean………”
He swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes;
“You’ve built a Golf Course?”