COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It’s about 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right: 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 9%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE! Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you’re out of work you’re unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But … they’re out of work!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they’re ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work… Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. If you give up, you’re no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment goes down just because you don’t look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don’t want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!

And now you know why President Obama’s unemployment figures are improving.

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama-Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are — or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

P R I C E L E S S !

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl.

“My kitty raised her back, went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,’ but before she could say ‘FUCK’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room.

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

She said “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,

“I really don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…”

The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’

The kid says “I have no fucking idea.”

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve
seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll “check it out.”

I said “My girl friend thinks my dick tastes funny.”

“How come we don’t make love like they do in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face….

Turns out we don’t watch the same movies.

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sin k.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive
by 90%..

It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.