HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.

The teacher held her breath …

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog shit!”

Then I would say,”It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

“I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth.”

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer
cooler. One nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two
taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered “Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn’t feel
comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at
the check-out counter.”

“I can handle that without a problem” she replied as she picked up a
six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived
with a six-pack of beer.

“We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “A shampoo, of sorts, if
you will.” Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled
out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, “The curlers
are on the house.”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied,

“No… Salty.”

The clerk pulled up the file and read; “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination.”

“The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Cincinnati, OH, that’s about 550 miles from here.”

“Good grief, is that where the job is?”

“No sir — that’s where the end of the line is right now.”

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

If you get an email titled “Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,” don’t open it.

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

‘Twenty dollars’ she whispers.  Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks so they hide in the bushes.
They’re ‘engaged’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

‘What’s going on here, people?’ Asks the officer.
‘I’m making love to my wife!’ Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know’

‘Well, neither did I, till ya shined that damn light in her face!’

A couple were both 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to live a good life because they watched their pennies.

One day, their good health could not save them, when they went on a rare vacation and they were both killed in a terrible auto accident, sending them off to Heaven.

As they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

The old man looked out the window and there he saw a beautiful championship golf course, better then anything he had seen on Earth.

“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied, “You can play for free, every day.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,” he asked.  “That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied, “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”

The old man then ask, “No gym to work out at?”  “Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..”  “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your fuckin’ bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!”

KINDA BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN’T IT?

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I had landed after the cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bot tom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron that I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

“Would you like a drink?

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. What’s next?

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, as she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There’s something I’m certain you feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for, right?”

She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean………”

He swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes;

“You’ve built a Golf Course?”