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Todays Joke : No Joke Abbott and Costello on Unemployment

steve — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:37:02 +0000

Abbott and Costello

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good subject. Terrible times. It’s about 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right: 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that’s 9%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE! Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you’re out of work you’re unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But … they’re out of work!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn’t be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they’re ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work… Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. If you give up, you’re no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment goes down just because you don’t look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That’s how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don’t want to read about 16% unemployment do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!

And now you know why President Obama’s unemployment figures are improving.

Stuttering Cat – as explained by a Grade 4 student

steve — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 21:55:34 +0000

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl.

“My kitty raised her back, went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,’ but before she could say ‘FUCK’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room.

Todays No Joke: The Difference Between Grandmothers and Grandfathers …Surprise

steve — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 02:41:42 +0000

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with
grandma?” he asked.

“Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn’t see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse’s ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!”

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Todays Joke: Socially Unacceptable Humor …Adult

steve — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 03:53:43 +0000

Socially Unacceptable Humor ( If you think these are bad …don’t ask me to publish the ones I deleted)

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that “Mexicans” is not the correct answer either.

A buddy of mine just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular-people porn, you sick bastard.

Todays Adult Joke – Breakfast

steve — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 01:41:28 +0000

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.

I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

She said “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk,” she replied.

Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,

“I really don’t remember asking her to cook my sock…”

Todays Joke Dangers of a Catholic Upbringing

steve — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 01:29:17 +0000

As I walked down a busy street, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds (you know, tattered clothing, long hair etc)  that are found in every town these days.

Some   people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them..

Recalling my old parish priest, Father Mike, who always admonished me to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,’ I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate   person.

Wearing   what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person’s   condition.

Yes,   where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden    beauty.

A   small voice inside my head called out, ‘Reach out, reach out and touch this person!’

Scroll Down

I won’t be at Mass this week….

Todays Joke …At The Movies….Hilarious…Adult

steve — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 03:24:39 +0000

My wife says to me the other night

“How come we don’t make love like they do in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and came on her face….

Turns out we don’t watch the same movies.

Todays Joke..For Men Who Need a Laugh and Women Who Don’t Own A Gun

steve — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 02:25:33 +0000

1How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sin k.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive
by 90%..

It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Todays Joke …Don’t Tell Me

steve — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 16:22:06 +0000

Todays Joke ..No Joke…What I Have Learned As I Mature

steve — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 00:23:44 +0000