A couple were both 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to live a good life because they watched their pennies.

One day, their good health could not save them, when they went on a rare vacation and they were both killed in a terrible auto accident, sending them off to Heaven.

As they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

The old man looked out the window and there he saw a beautiful championship golf course, better then anything he had seen on Earth.

“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied, “You can play for free, every day.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,” he asked.  “That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied, “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”

The old man then ask, “No gym to work out at?”  “Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..”  “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your fuckin’ bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!”

KINDA BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN’T IT?

Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I certainly did not!

Defence Attorney:
Why ever not?

Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so ’spicy’ that I just laid down and told him ‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no!  He just yelled, April Fool’ and that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as:

PINO MORE



I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

“You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?”

“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband, she said.”

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

“John, do we still have intercourse?”

There was a complete hush–you could have heard a pin drop.

John answered impatiently, “If I told you once, Irma, I’ve told
you a hundred times…What we have is:

Blue Cross!”