Today's Joke » Senior Jokes

Todays Joke …The Agony of Getting Old

steve — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 22:21:04 +0000

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my old friend Richard.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back.”

Todays No Joke: The Difference Between Grandmothers and Grandfathers …Surprise

steve — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 02:41:42 +0000

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with
grandma?” he asked.

“Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn’t see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse’s ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!”

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Todays Joke: Socially Unacceptable Humor …Adult

steve — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 03:53:43 +0000

Socially Unacceptable Humor ( If you think these are bad …don’t ask me to publish the ones I deleted)

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that “Mexicans” is not the correct answer either.

A buddy of mine just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular-people porn, you sick bastard.

Todays No Joke ..At The Doctor’s…..Adult

steve — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 03:34:42 +0000

I went to the doctor’s office this morning and found out that my new doctor
is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous…

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve
seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll “check it out.”

I said “My girl friend thinks my dick tastes funny.”

Todays Joke Two Old Men

steve — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 12:34:34 +0000

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.’

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

‘YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’

‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’

HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.’

‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’

‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW….. TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!’

Todays Joke ..No Joke…What I Have Learned As I Mature

steve — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 00:23:44 +0000

Todays Joke: Secrets To A Long Happy Marriage

steve — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 05:56:58 +0000

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the
patio with her husband and she says,

“I love you so much. I don’t know how I could ever live without
you.”

Her husband asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

She replies, “It’s me… talking to the wine.”

Todays Joke …No Joke: CDC Warning

steve — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 03:09:29 +0000

Todays Joke: Sell My Stuff

steve — Fri, 06 May 2011 20:53:21 +0000

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly,

“When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me intently and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Todays Joke – Video of Mrs Brown’s Bikini Wax

steve — Wed, 04 May 2011 17:02:22 +0000