A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl.

“My kitty raised her back, went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,’ but before she could say ‘FUCK’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room.

Socially Unacceptable Humor ( If you think these are bad …don’t ask me to publish the ones I deleted)

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.  I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

She quickly responded,

He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big

brass gong and a mallet.

‘What’s up with the big brass gong?’ one of the guests asked.

‘It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,’ the drunk replied.

‘A talking clock? Seriously?’ asked his astonished friend.

‘Yup,’ replied the drunk.

‘How’s it work?’ the friend asked, squinting at it.

‘Watch,’ the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the

gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment…….

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

‘You asshole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.

The teacher held her breath …

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog shit!”

Then I would say,”It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

“I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth.”

Brian
invited his mother over for dinner. During the
course of the meal, Brian’s mother couldn’t help
but notice how beautiful Brian’s roommate,
Jennifer was. Brian’s Mom had long been
suspicious of the platonic relationship between
Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious.

Over the course of the
evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between
Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian
volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you Jennifer and I are just
roommates.’

About a week later, Jennifer
came to Brian saying, ‘Ever since your mother came
to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it,
do you?’

Brian said, ‘Well, I doubt
it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the
gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that
you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you
were here for dinner.

Love,
Brian

Several
days later, Brian received an email back from
his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with
Jennifer, I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep
with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom