She found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tom – a very
handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum. She figured, “What the heck,
nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.”
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?”
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi,
I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and
give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you.
I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in
your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!!
Now how does that sound?”
He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic,
but you need to press nine for an outside line.”
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair