The clerk pulled up the file and read; “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynecologist’s examination.”

“The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Cincinnati, OH, that’s about 550 miles from here.”

“Good grief, is that where the job is?”

“No sir — that’s where the end of the line is right now.”

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

If you get an email titled “Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi,” don’t open it.

It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

A couple were both 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to live a good life because they watched their pennies.

One day, their good health could not save them, when they went on a rare vacation and they were both killed in a terrible auto accident, sending them off to Heaven.

As they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

The old man looked out the window and there he saw a beautiful championship golf course, better then anything he had seen on Earth.

“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.

“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied, “You can play for free, every day.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,” he asked.  “That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied, “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”

The old man then ask, “No gym to work out at?”  “Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..”  “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your fuckin’ bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!”

KINDA BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN’T IT?

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I had landed after the cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bot tom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron that I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.

“Would you like a drink?

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. What’s next?

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, as she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There’s something I’m certain you feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for, right?”

She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean………”

He swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes;

“You’ve built a Golf Course?”

Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I certainly did not!

Defence Attorney:
Why ever not?

Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so ’spicy’ that I just laid down and told him ‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no!  He just yelled, April Fool’ and that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.

2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Signed

The girl said, “NO!”

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and played golf a lot and drank beer and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end.