Today's Joke » Todays Joke

Stuttering Cat – as explained by a Grade 4 student

steve — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 21:55:34 +0000

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl.

“My kitty raised her back, went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,’ but before she could say ‘FUCK’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room.

Todays Joke …The Agony of Getting Old

steve — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 22:21:04 +0000

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my old friend Richard.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, “You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back.”

Todays No Joke: The Difference Between Grandmothers and Grandfathers …Surprise

steve — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 02:41:42 +0000

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with
grandma?” he asked.

“Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn’t see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse’s ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!”

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Todays Joke: Socially Unacceptable Humor …Adult

steve — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 03:53:43 +0000

Socially Unacceptable Humor ( If you think these are bad …don’t ask me to publish the ones I deleted)

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that “Mexicans” is not the correct answer either.

A buddy of mine just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular-people porn, you sick bastard.

Todays Joke Dangers of a Catholic Upbringing

steve — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 01:29:17 +0000

As I walked down a busy street, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds (you know, tattered clothing, long hair etc)  that are found in every town these days.

Some   people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them..

Recalling my old parish priest, Father Mike, who always admonished me to ‘care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,’ I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate   person.

Wearing   what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person’s   condition.

Yes,   where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden    beauty.

A   small voice inside my head called out, ‘Reach out, reach out and touch this person!’

Scroll Down

I won’t be at Mass this week….

Todays Joke …No Joke…Kid Crying In The Supermarket

steve — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 23:09:27 +0000

A little Muslim kid, crying, can’t find his mother in the supermarket.

The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’

The kid says “I have no fucking idea.”

Todays Joke..For Men Who Need a Laugh and Women Who Don’t Own A Gun

steve — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 02:25:33 +0000

1How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?

Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sin k.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first ?

The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive
by 90%..

It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Todays Joke …Don’t Tell Me

steve — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 16:22:06 +0000

Todays Joke ..No Joke…What I Have Learned As I Mature

steve — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 00:23:44 +0000

Todays Joke…Do It Again

steve — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 23:57:32 +0000

Due to a power outage, The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.. Little Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

She quickly responded,

He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again