A man was telling his buddy: “You won’t believe what happened last night.” My daughter walked into the living room and said:
“Dad, cancel my allowance, stop paying my college tuition, rent my room out,throw away all my clothes, take my TV and laptop. Please take my
jewelry to the Salvation Army. Sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never
talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone else you choose.”
“Holy Smokes”, replied the friend, “She actually said that?”
The father replied: “Well, she didn’t actually put it quite like that.”
“Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary Clinton’s election campaign.”
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, “Six.”
The judge said, “Then, I will give you 6 days in jail.”
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”